Sad

My mom has breast cancer. I hate my job. I think my relationship is falling apart. They say that troubles come in threes. Well, there's mine. I don't really like to write about sad things, especially in these turbulent times when I know there are plenty of people who have it much worse than I do, but today I just can't help it. I feel like I don't have any friends I can talk to, no one to turn to but the page. Writing can be soothing, it eases the pain and takes away my tears. There is no judgment here, no ridicule for the way I feel, no awkward glances when I put my problems in the open. I do not look for comfort -- I don't like comfort. Don't give me a hug, don't tell me how sorry you are. The page is wonderful at just listening. I can be a complete bitch, I can be sappy or worried or stressed out and it doesn't care. It is not burdened by my troubles for it can see through them, to another day, to the future that I'm sure will be here soon enough and will soon enough become the past. Everything is temporary. My mom will have her surgery and chemo and radiation; I will find another job; I will fight to make this relationship work because I know he is the man that I love and that I want to be with forever. The page understands all of that. So, maybe these aren't such sad things after all. Maybe they are once again the troubles I've been looking for right around the corner (because I knew that things were going along too swimmingly), the worries I hadn't felt in so long, the pain I need to feel alive again. I'll go on with my new projects then, painting the kitchen and the bathroom, working on the book about how Keki and I met and how our relationship developed (much too quickly I think now). And in time, these things will pass; these sad things will be distant memories when my mom is once again healthy; I am thriving in my new job; and Keki and I are married and moving forward. Sadness is temporary; the page is forever.

Shhhh! No one wants to hear you....

I've decided that I just can't handle dumb people. I don't mean the kind who can't help it; I mean the kind who are completely ignorant because they want to be that way. You know the ones I'm talking about: spouting off political or religious beliefs that they've heard on television or the radio, with no sense of what they're saying or the impact they may be having. Or, the ones who think they know everything about everything and want to tell everyone all about it. A little bit of humility, please. They talk more than they listen; they proselytize more than they practice; and they are usually loud, the only one heard in a room of thirty. I know you know the ones I'm talking about. Maybe you're that person. The one who always has a comment or a dumb question (yes, there are dumb questions); the one who doesn't listen in a meeting and asks someone to repeat something they just said two minutes ago. They irritate me. I'm not very nice when I'm irritated, though I have learned (most times anyway) to hold my tongue. If you know someone like this, and I know you do, start with a dirty stare the next time they're filling the room with something warm and gooey. If the stare doesn't work, an immediate change of topic will sometimes do. In the case where the person REALLy doesn't get a hint (and a lot of these people don't) it will sometimes take a very sarcastic comment to get them to quiet down. As a last resort, you may have to pull them aside and let them know they're making a fool of themself (because telling them that they are annoying you, and everyone else, will only make them defensive and get them riled up all over again) and that it might be better just to listen for a little while.

And if, by chance, you are that annoying, loud, ignorant person, beware: we laugh at you behind your back and make fun of all the ridiculous things you say. We know you're not intelligent, your mind's behind the way. We like you as a person (soemtimes), and tolerate your fluff. But should you do it one more time, expect to get it stuffed!

Rants and Raves

I know that I haven't posted in a while, and, to be honest, I'm not quite sure why. Yes, I've been busy and yes, I've had a lot to do. But, I'm on here reading almost every day anyway, so why am I not posting?

I guess because I have not had a lot to say. Nothing much has changed in my life and so I really didn't feel a need to share my boring "goings-on" with the world. Today though, I have decided to comment about a few things that I have been pondering the last few weeks:

#1 The Election: Hallelujiah! Barack won! Now comes the hard part. Even though he has a Democratic Congress and it looks like he is making some very intelligent and well thought-out choices for individuals in his cabinet (Madame Clinton and Mr. Richardson anyone???), I still worry that the hole we have dug ourselves is going to be too much. In the long run I know that things will change, I'm only concerned that four years will not be enough time for Pres-elect Obama to turn things around enough for the country to keep him in office. I guess only time will tell.

#2 The Election: Part 2: Proposition 8: Having grown up in southern California and been raised in a fairly liberal family, it is mind boggling to me that the people of that great state could not get their heads out of their arses long enough to realize that things like divorce and adultry are a lot more detrimental to marriage than two people who love each other, and happen to be the same sex, getting married. I could have sworn that there is supposed to be a separation of church and state in this country. Did I miss out on some huge Constitutional Amendment that changed that? I don't consider myself religious by any means (and, honestly, probably more anti-established religion than anything), but I do believe that 1) it is not OUR job to judge people or make decisions about their lives; 2) we did not create this earth and whatever, or whomever, did is really pissed off at us right now; and 3) some of the most closed-minded people I have ever met are extremely religious (more like extremists, whether that's Christianity, Muslim, Judaism, whatever), and, I believe, are the ones who will have a lot more to answer to on judgement day than those of us who simply want to live peacefully and allow others to do the same. Uggghhhhh! I could go on for days about this one!

#3) Running: I have continued to run and did another 5k on November 16th in Boulder. The Panicking Poultry 5k www.panickingpoultry5k.com was a beautiful run on a beautiful Sunday morning in the foothills of Boulder. More than 1,000 people showed up and, though my time was not what it could have been, I had a great time. My mom came with me and patiently waited while I ran all 3.1 miles -- something I never in my life thought I would be doing, much less enjoying -- and then we ate some Carrabba's when I was finished www.carrabbas.com. I gave myself a little leeway with the time for two reasons: altitude and I donated blood on Friday, less than 48 hours before I ran. No wonder I was tired!

#4) Relationship: Keki and I are doing very well. I wish I could explain to him why I'm a cry-er, but sometimes I can't even figure out why I'm crying, so how can I explain it to him? My ex used to get on my case about the same thing. Maybe I could try hypnotherapy? We were shopping at Puma on Saturday and, for no discernible reason other than every shoe I picked he didn't like, I started crying and said I wanted to go home. Oops. Bad idea. I was quickly compared to his ex-girlfriend who never did such things and was quietly admonished for making things so difficult. Sor-ry! If I could stop myself from doing such childish things, I would. But I have tried and it's all to no avail. So, bless his patient heart, after me crying off all my makeup and a very long, silent car ride home, he forgave me (again). I guess he must love me -- if he didn't he surely wouldn't put up with all my shenanigans.

#5) Holidays, Specifically Thanksgiving: I'm tired of holidays. Honestly, they hold no meaning or value to me (except an extra day or two off work) and I've never really been a big fan of them. I am glad that I have a reason to go to San Diego to see my sister and the kids (not that I really need a reason), but I also feel like it's all such a farce considering the horrible state of our country and our world. So I'm taking sides with this blogger http://goprairie.blogspot.com and I am not giving thanks to God (or whomever) because she hears it all the time. Instead, I am going to personally thank all the people close to me for the huge, or tiny, part they play in my life. Sure, I could pretend to be superwoman and act like I get it all done on my own, but really. There are so many people I want to thank and I am going to start with all of you: Thank you for reading my blog and for being interested, communicative participants in society. Whatever job it is that you do, it helps make this world go round and for that, I am thankful.

#6) Losing Weight: I'm sure that only those of you closest to me know that I have been trying to lose weight. And we're not talking a little bit or for a short amount of time. For those of you who don't know, there was a time when I weighed 243 pounds and wore a size 18. And I'm only 5'6". Granted, I have always worked out and I did have a lot of muscle, so I never looked like I weighed that much. But, it wasn't pretty. I was fat. When I started the basic academy for ICE I was at my highest weight. That's also when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. Over those nine weeks, I lost 26 pounds, but I was still big. Over the next few years I went up and down a little, but I never got below 211. Well, that is all in the past. I have worked my butt off for almost a year and I am now down to 190 -- from the 223 I started at -- and have 15 pounds to go to make it to my goal. My goal of 175 may still sound like a lot to some, but at 190 I am a size 10 -- a size I haven't been since I was a sophomore in high school -- and I will probably be a size 8. Losing weight has been one of the hardest struggles of my life -- harder than college, working for ICE, or my divorce -- and I am proud of what I have accomplished. I will try to post some before and after pics when I reach my goal -- hopefully by New Year's -- so you can see the difference. All total, from my highest weight, I've lost 53 pounds -- almost 22% of my body weight. It's a wonderful feeling, and definitely something else that I am grateful for this year!

Finished!

Woo hoo! In 38 degree temperatures, foggy, drizzly, and just plain COLD weather, I finished my first ever 5k! And as testament as to why I am going to keep Keki around forever, the man waited out in that awful weather for me, taking pictures, after only three hours of sleep. I tell ya, he's a keeper!

Keki, got a picture of me stretching. And yes, it was cold enough to need all those clothes!

The attempted start of my run. The walkers were supposed to stay further to the back, but I guess they didn't understand that concept!

The start of the stairs. I think there's only about 50, but it felt like 500! No stopping though...I can say that I never stopped once!

Finally at the top! Can you see the relief in my face? I think I was warm for about 5 minutes before I started freezing....which meant it was time to go home. Me, wet and cold. Not a good combination!

So, the first two miles were great -- mostly downhill. 19 minutes for those first two...and then an additional 19 for the last one! It was the worst one-mile stretch I have ever run or walked in my life. Straight uphill, about a 12-15% grade, and then the infamous stairs at Red Rocks to finish. But, I finished and I wasn't last. I came in somewhere around the middle, which is exactly where I was hoping to finish. And I now have the confidence to go out and do some more (or maybe it's just insanity). A great way to finish a weekend....even though I didn't get warm until I got home and took the hottest shower imaginable! (Ignore the date on the bottom of the photos -- the old batteries had died and I didn't have time to reset the date).

I started my "Free Write Fling" with Cynthia Morris last Wednesday. The premise is to sit down and write for 15 minutes a day. I have such a horrible problem with procrastination, that this is one of the things that always gets put off: writing. But, I am also horribly competitive and, since those who write every day for 30 days will be entered into a contest to win some life coaching sessions with Cynthia http://www.originalimpulse.com , I want to win the contest. Of course. Most of my writing I have kept private, but today I am going to use Cynthia's prompt and write on here today. Feel free to leave your musings!

Day 7 of 30: Free Write Fling
Prompt: What I want...

I am amazed to think about all the things I want in life. The majority of them are not material. Sure, I would love to have some beautiful diamond earrings and a wonderful new digital camera and MP3 player, but those are not the things that are fulfilling. I want to have a job where I not only do good for others, but that, at the end of the day, I feel good about doing. I want to travel the world, help people wherever I go, live naturally. I want to take beautiful photos so that I can share them with the world and hopefully, show people how special the world truly is so that they will concentrate on trying to save it.

What I want is a world of peace. No more wars because of religion or perceived hate or disagreement. I want all the nations to put the environment at the forefront of their problems because, if we don't have anywhere to live, what does all the rest of it matter? I want children to not be hungry, animals to not be abused, women not to live in fear, men not to live in hate.

What I want is a place where I feel safe allowing my children to walk to school and talk to strangers, and ride their bikes through town. I want a time and place where my children can be children; where they can laugh and grow and spend their childhood just being kids. What I want is to leave this place better than it was when I found it. I want my children and nieces and nephews to be proud of me as their parent or aunt and to be proud of their parents; I want kids who know who they are and are not influenced by material things or music videos or TV shows.

What I want is a husband who loves me unconditionally, who will stand by my side through thick and thin. I want a husband who is strong for himself and for our family; who is willing to sacrifice the things we want for ourselves to provide things for our children that we did not have.

What I want is to live in harmony; to be able to take the time I need to be me and take care of myself, physically, mentally and emotionally. I want to be whole, to be strong, to be the me I was always meant to be. I want the people around me, friends, family, strangers, to feel they can be themselves when they are near me. I want for them to be whole, to be able to express themselves in a healthy, righteous way and to learn from their mistakes.

The world is far from perfect and I know that it will never be. My head is not in the clouds, my dreams are not ones that I believe can be achieved tomorrow or the next day. I see the mess that our economy is in; the tragedy that is our morality; the sadness that is children bearing children and babies being killed by guns. I see the fear of parents losing the only home their children have known, not sure where they will go or what they will do. But I also see the charity of others; the willingness of those who have little willing to give to others to help them on their journey. We all eventually end up in the same place and, whether or not you believe in heaven or hell, we all end up dead. So, it truly is the journey that matters. When I come to the end of my journey, what I want is for those I leave behind to miss me, but to be happy that they had the chance to have me in their life. I want to make a difference, not for selfish reasons, but to benefit the lives of others, to put a smile on others' faces.